What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:41
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i lived it daily.
Do women like watching men sucking men?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why can’t my wife just accept the fact that I’m going to cheat?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It was going to be , some day.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do older men realize that younger women usually do not prefer them?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why does my sister want to have sex with me? What should I do?
I was 9 years of age.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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We were not on the streets..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
She was in good health!
I couldn’t, believe it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Is depression a cause for always feeling tired?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it wasn’t much.
Why is every human messed up in some way?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When she asked me how she looked .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was scared of men, in general
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But ive been too sick for many years..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She married twice! .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Comes on , in middle age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My family never makes their pension either.
All the time i was locked up.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Put me off passion for life!!
She wouldn,t have been !
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Who then, do I blame.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So whats the point in blame.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He knew the spot.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But, we were locked up after school.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I don,t even have a pension.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Would this be the day?
Im still living with it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot live in the past .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I have no regrets .
She loved him until the end.
I said to her
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I could never make a relationship work though!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She found it foreign!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I will be 64.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What did i know ?
So, i spoilt her more .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We all went to grammer schools
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I write beautiful poetry .